i realized that i am usually pretty worried about pleasing people. not necessarily to make a good impression or be someone i'm not, i just think that i don't always say or do what i feel i should. i'd rather just avoid stupid issues by keeping quiet, or saying what people expect to hear. this isn't always the case, but i still feel that it's a problem. i wonder if this makes me a bad friend...instead of being unfront or honest when it's a touchy subject... i have trouble looking someone in the eyes and telling them i am mad at them, or there is a problem. i question my role, as we are learning about in psychology, is it really my place to say something? will i just mess everything up? in the past that is usually what has happened. i wish i held more credibility as a voice and a friend, not to sound like i am nagging or trying to control them...just being honest.

same thing goes with my therapist. i feel instead of really opening up and solving problems, i just go into defense mode. that is so pointless and a waste of money, so i feel bad that it's like that. i don't know what i'm afraid of, why it would be so hard to admit the raw truth and emotions...

Current Location: sierra's room
Current Music: Sigur Ros

i stayed home from school today, and i had the weirdest dream. i think it was at APA and there was some CRAZY thing, i don't know like a dragon or something, but i think it was a person...i don't know, i really don't get it. anyways, there were like two sides, and this dragon or whatever, was like ripping holes in the floor of the studio, but the holes were like fire pits. almost everyone was thrown into the holes by the dragon(???) except me...but then i stopped and gave up. i guess that was an option the whole time...? then everyone came out of the fire pits, and were perfectly fine. like it was a set up? i didn't get it, what the point was. i asked why kevin would let us do this and have to pay to completely rebuild the studio, this seemed unimportant to everyone. well, anyways, i guess the fire pits weren't really hot or anything, the ones in them said they were like mud, not fire at all. i have NO idea what that has to do with ANYTHING in my life at all, it was just a weird dream i had today that i wanted write down before i forgot it.

anyways, my whole body hurts. one week off of dance can get you so out of shape. i'm excited for my dance company, DREAMGIRLS, to start performing. i love the dances, especially my solo, which i was supposed to do last year, but couldn't because i broke my foot(fractured 3rd metatarsal). i'm just glad to finally be able to be dancing again though after months of stupid medical concerns. yay!

Tags: apa, dream, livejournal, unusual
Current Location: home
Current Music: ATB: Marrakech